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Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Thanks, Obama! Writing with Daddy Issues.

Last night, we sat together to watch President Obama’s farewell speech. I was tickled that he quoted Atticus Finch. But then, there is always such a rush of joy when someone uses a reference that brings you together. One quote ties so much emotion and meaning in a few words.

Whether this happens by quoting the great literary minds of our times or an obscure little movie, it hardly matters. What is important is that with one quote we assert our points of correlation. Sure we can be different in a billion different ways, but we all have more in common than not.

But the moment that choked me up was a simpler one. He turned to his eldest and said of her and her sister,You are smart and you are beautiful but more importantly, you are kind and you are thoughtful -- and you are full of passion…”

Always a proud father, I hung my head because it hurts to watch fathers and daughters have a moment I never will. And then, he sucker-punched me with the perfect unconditional declaration of paternal love: Of all that I have done in my life, I am most proud to be your dad.


Understand that I have not been starved of love in my life. I had a literal village looking out for me and loving me, willing me to overcome and blossom. I had three generations of women pulling for me and reminding me that I had within me what I needed to succeed.

My Mom is the best role model any person could pick to emulate, she is my conscience, and she loves me and nurtures me (without ever losing objectivity that she is dealing with a flawed person).

Just as well, there were family and friends who did not seek to be paternal figures but whose presence in my fatherless life constituted at least the ideal of what a good father might be (and quite a few fit the bill in their own families).

My grandfather, who was my bona fide father figure, never would have bestowed such praise upon me because the things I did right, in his mind, I should be doing because it was my duty—not because I may be loved for it. I did love him at some point in my early childhood, but I soon discovered that his love was conditional. He gave nothing freely. And while I may have been his pride and joy, addressing it would have made him look weak and he’d never have that. Multiple failures in parenting apparently taught him nothing in that area.

My father, when he remembers that we are related, generally congratulates himself on the accomplishment of being my father. I’m not sure why. He has barely acted in that capacity—if you need accountability, he was there, more or less, for what could account for about 3% of my entire life (including conception and gestation). His greatest accomplishment was scoring with Mom and I can’t for the life of me figure how he managed that, because she was way hotter than he ever was! Smarter too (except for the one time). So even if he said the words, it wouldn’t mean anything because at the very least half the statement would be untrue.

What’s left is a cynic with a double barrel of daddy issues. Or a realist that recognizes that families come in many configurations, and in some the paternal figure is a shadow rather than anything useful or even real.

Or, as scores of other (fatherless) unloved girls, a woman spending half her waking hours looking for approval in all the wrong faces… These are the more interesting stories and the basis to the infidelity stories I’ve been writing.

(See? I had no choice: I had to become either a writer or a stripper!)

But then, I don’t write the kind of story that starts with, “I’m proud of you, pumpkin!” I’ve learned to live with that gaping hole—and plugged the emptiness mostly with chocolate and more-Mom-for-me. Still, I am glad that this father figure exists and, as much as it hurts to watch, I am honored to have witnessed just a little bit of the joy I’ll never know. 

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Nostalgia is Trending

I suspect that 2017 will be flooded with nostalgic stories, and I am not even referencing the success of “Stranger Things” – which made art out of derivation in ways never before witnessed.

The year 2016 will be known as one of the most brutal in terms of the amount of talent taken by way of death. Of course, the issue is not really about celebrities dying. The issue is that some of those celebrities were seminal artists whose work influenced our lives. 

(Parenthetically, I hope I'm not the only one who goes into social media and every time I see a name highlighted in the trending lists my first thought is, "Oh no!" So the idea of nostalgia trending makes me a little nervous--will its evolution go from a sweet wonder like "Stranger Things" to pure and total horror?)

These folks provided context in literature, style in film and performing arts, and a soundtrack in music.

We did not define ourselves exclusively in the terms they proposed or manifested themselves, but they did influence us. We took notice, at the very least.

Their work and their presence in our stratosphere help us remember landmark moments (births, deaths, meetings, dates, engagements, marriages, breakups). Re-experiencing their work reminds us of events that shaped us.

Losing them brings back the memories in an already sad context. It also reminds us of our own mortality, and the very reality that these folks will not offer any more work for us to enjoy (because their work becomes ours once they share it and we hang on to it selfishly because it really becomes part of us).

For my part, just putting together just short stories based on my favorite works from just Bowie, Prince, and George Michael would fill three volumes (though I am not ready to share 2/3s of that, not even fictionalized!).

Listen Without Prejudice, Vol. 1, covered an essential turning point for me and included a mantra, an anthem, a release and a battle cry all in one album.

These folks were influencers for more than just having hordes of “followers” while posting images on a digital platform. These folks produced a work-product that had emotion and meaning, and dug into our very humanity beyond good camera angles.

To be honest, it wasn’t just losing the singer-songwriters, but also the writers or performers that will be missed in a way that permeates our work. The astronaut reminded me that I have a space station story that I should get back to and try to move forward. For other writers, the need to write might be influenced by the scientists, journalists, politicians, academics, painters, dancers, photographers, sculptors, and other departed in whatever propels their passions.

Beyond the nostalgia, I look forward to perhaps a new genre that pairs biography with memoirs as a literary duet. What 2017 will dawn on us remains to be seen, what with the promise of new friends and a whole new nuclear race... For now enforced nostalgia – whether it colors our experiences rosier or we meet our past realistically, defiant and triumphant (though I suppose you get negative points for Pyrrhic victories).

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Puzzles and Goodwill

Most of the folks we know have opted for a quiet Thanksgiving at home, with immediate family, or the recent marketing ploy of Friendsgiving with like-minded individuals. There are still many others who live by a set of traditions that demand they spend the day with family (parents, in-laws, siblings). And if Facebook is any indication, the fracturing of America went far deeper than party lines.

Some families are still feeling the push and pull, and they are so possessed you half expect the turkey itself to take arms! It is for these poor souls that I put together the Insatiable Gourmet Word Search book.

If you get the urge to say something you’ll regret later, go lock yourself in the bathroom, the family room, or the bedroom with all the coats, and solve a puzzle.

Arguing politics with family is useless. Most of your relatives, much like your own selves, have already made up your minds. Beyond that, your logic isn’t any better than theirs! Everyone makes up their minds based on criteria that affects them and makes sense to them on a very personal level.

Regime changes in Washington affect us all, but breaking family ties over it seems a little extreme (unless your family wants to cause you physical harm and is using politics as a reason to justify it).

On a holiday based around food, if you find yourself unable to talk about it, then immerse yourself in food games that don’t require food fights!

A special offering from Kali, The Food Goddess the book has 25 culinary-themed puzzles based on cookbook categories, and is designed for discerning foodies. Some of the puzzle categories include sandwiches, sushi, pasta, herbs & spices, and aphrodisiacs.

The little book is available right now at CreateSpace and Amazon, just in time for the holidays (whether yours will be happy or an uncomfortable mess)!

For Your Consideration
On a serious note, I hope you get the puzzle book and enjoy the momentary escape, but I urge you to maintain your principles and also respect that not everyone has to agree with you. Let politics slide with family and try to enjoy each other for as long as the universe permits you the privilege and pleasure. Pick up your political fight back in January! Fight the good fight, but practice empathy and tolerance until then. It’ll be a gift to the world and a fantastic example to set for the younger set. Don't go guerilla on your family until there is an actual revolution--these people are not your enemy.

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Creativity in Crisis: The Center Cannot Hold

I should be writing. I wanted to write. A couple of weeks ago, the prospect of completing Volume One of the steampunk fantasy I’d started seemed like such an exciting prospect.

From "Revelation (Mother Earth)" from the album Blizzard of Ozz 

Merely three days after the election, I am physically exhausted and emotionally spent again. I try not to write out of anguish. I leave that to the young and idealistic. I’ve boomeranged past jaded at this point.

People are screaming and demanding to be heard but nobody is listening to one another. Neither side seems capable of making concessions for each other. The mere concept of compromise seems offensive, as if meeting in the middle was akin to selling out.

But this constant pull from opposite extremes is not healthy. Don’t people realize that the center cannot hold that way? And the center here is the difference between the rise and fall.

I wanted to write this November. I wanted to focus on creativity, on a world different from ours but oddly familiar, to flesh out these quirky characters… I still could, but I am not feeling it.

What I feel is tense and disappointed (not in the outcome so much as in the aftermath).

What the winning side doesn’t understand right now, is that the other side is cringing in the same way we all have when a large, ham-fisted nurse has come towards us with a fake smile and a giant syringe and lied, “This is going to sting a little.”

No, it’s going to hurt like hell, you bastard, and it will sting for a long time afterwards; may your tongue rot in your mouth for lying!

People are terrified that their rights will be trampled and when you threaten their basic needs (and we all agree that human rights are basic), people freak out.

We are about to be ruled by people who believe women have no place in deciding anything about their own bodies; people who believe you can electric shock the gay out; people who advocate a return to internment camps and who want to reinstitute the Committee for Un-American Activities (one of the most shameful episodes in our shared history full of savage racism and abuse of power)… It’s little things like that people are freaking out about.

Are people preempting the crisis? Perhaps, but just because it is an emotional response doesn’t mean that it isn’t steeped in some educated guesses. On the other hand, I have no respect for those who immediately resort to rioting and violence. That destroys your credibility and makes others not wish to listen, adding to the dysfunction.

And speaking of dysfunction, just as I was afraid earlier this year, friendships have ended, family relations have fractured, and some of these may never recover. That is so incredibly sad to me. Why can we no longer agree to disagree and remain civil?

So, I’d rather write, but I cannot focus right now because I feel I am living inside Margaret Atwood’s “The Handmaid’s Tale” without the breathless lyrical beauty. And without the beauty all that is left is gallows humor and horror… I can't create under these circumstances, I need literal escape to lyrical escape!

Monday, October 17, 2016

Haunted Kitty

Halloween is coming—a small consolation in view of the political climate that permeates everything!

I’ll give you a free single, to read in one quick seating. Just to get you hankering for Halloween, you can become acquainted with The Haunted Kitty.  For a few minutes, you can cleanse your palate of the ugliness our presidential election is leaving in everybody’s mouth (on both sides). Clear your head of insults and innuendo, and outlandish promises and lies!

For your own copy, go to Smashwords.

*Available versions include PDF, Kindle and EPUB.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

The Heatwave is the Thing. It is Almost Everything!

Among the many things that may be said about 2016, the most hellish is we have been subjected to several heatwaves—endless days, stretching into weeks, of heat indexes in the three-digits. Heat and humidity rose to almost inhuman levels of discomfort, trying to kill us…

This has made it difficult to breathe, to move, to think! Creativity takes a back seat to the deep moan your soul lets out hoping the heat – or you – will break and make it stop.

That’s life without air conditioner. I do not recommend it.

As much as Mother Nature has tried to knock us down and leave us gasping for air like beached whales, in between “spritzing” I have tried to work on two things: learning how to manipulate images and strip them into line art, and rekindling my love of drawing.

Right now, I am just practicing drawing and doodling on my tablet. Reacquainting myself with lines and forms, etc.

Ultimately, I want to do the equivalent of an illuminated manuscript as well as a coloring book. Or ice cream, ultimately I want ice cream (that may be heatstroke speaking).

I have no topics in mind right at this moment, but this is a long run goal. The final product could be a cookbook as easily as it may be a children’s picture book.

I still have a translation to finish, a fantasy novella to edit, a collection of stories to complete. None of these things will get done as my brain is half mush. I need to save the lucid moments in between misery for paying jobs.

Of course, I’m half joking. My brain is not a slushie, it just feels that way occasionally (you know, like July and August). It does affect your motivation when you spend a better part of your day trying to find ways to cool off--your creativity is taken over by such serious choices as "put head in freezer," "shower, again?" or "more ice cream!"

All that is left for us to do is to just outlast summer, cruel and unyielding as it has been, and fall into the loving embrace of autumn as soon as it reaches us. 

That's just me, right now, how are you faring?

Saturday, July 30, 2016

The Tone of a Story is Not Written in Stone

The last few weeks I have been trying to portray what I thought would be a simple scene: a woman makes lunch for her long-lost childhood sweetheart, his wife and their daughter.

The problem is that as I write the scene and let it unravel, there is so much resentment in the room it is almost stifling! 

Having lived through similar situations (not in the details but in the aggregate), it is painful to write. You relive the horror and find yourself trying to put distance between your soul and the written page…

There is a push/pull thing going with the mother and daughter, trust issues with the husband and wife, old wounds between the man and his old friend, and the natural nervousness of entering a new situation (meeting new people and meeting your past).

The struggle is in how to write the scene so that I show the different dynamics, and how I let the narrator express what is happening without copping an attitude and taking sides. But then, the idea of an unreliable narrator that has an agenda is so much more fun!

I keep writing and have a mélange of color on the page as each version reveals itself and awaits cohesion. I don’t mind the chaos. In fact, I find it refreshing to deal with a narrator that has more gossip than journalist running through her.

As a writer, you do not want to detract from the story itself. At the same time, you want your reader to enjoy the story. I think this narrator can add color commentary that the characters cannot make themselves, and point out some ridiculous moments that happen in life but, unless you have an active inner voice, they never get called out properly.

Because a story may be worth reading if it includes the words, “And girl, you will never guess what she got caught doing in that bathroom—well, it was only cause they heard the crash and her cussin’ and taking the Lord’s name in vain!” It will always be much better than telling it with clinical detachment. 

Just as one starts to play up with the narrator, you realize the story could be funny in the telling if not in its own reality. That changes the telling and makes the process a little nuanced; and the writing that had gotten wooden and convoluted, suddenly is fresh and full of possibilities... Nothing is written in stone: changing the tone of your story does not change the events. When stuck, maybe letting the narrator set the pace might help advance the story in unexpected (and delightful) ways.